I stumbled across a quote to day from one of the most iconic singers in the world and the singer of my "go to song" - 3 Little Birds. As i read it - it all became clear - the words were almost as if i had written them myself. I don't believe in copy and paste but for this entry - i changed the rules. it explains exactly how i see them, it explains exactly how i felt and it explains exactly why i miss them so much, as a friend - in other words "when i hear from them, talk to them, text or email them - i am Superman, When i don't, well, i am just Clark Kent"
“Only once in your life, I truly believe, you find someone who can completely turn your world around. You tell them things that you’ve never shared with another soul and they absorb everything you say and actually want to hear more. You share hopes for the future, dreams that will never come true, goals that were never achieved and the many disappointments life has thrown at you. When something wonderful happens, you can’t wait to tell them about it, knowing they will share in your excitement. They are not embarrassed to cry with you when you are hurting or laugh with you when you make a fool of yourself. Never do they hurt your feelings or make you feel like you are not good enough, but rather they build you up and show you the things about yourself that make you special and even beautiful. There is never any pressure, jealousy or competition but only a quiet calmness when they are around. You can be yourself and not worry about what they will think of you because they love you for who you are. The things that seem insignificant to most people such as a note, song or walk become invaluable treasures kept safe in your heart to cherish forever. Memories of your childhood come back and are so clear and vivid it’s like being young again. Colours seem brighter and more brilliant. Laughter seems part of daily life where before it was infrequent or didn’t exist at all. A phone call or two during the day helps to get you through a long day’s work and always brings a smile to your face. In their presence, there’s no need for continuous conversation, but you find you’re quite content in just having them nearby. Things that never interested you before become fascinating because you know they are important to this person who is so special to you. You think of this person on every occasion and in everything you do. Simple things bring them to mind like a pale blue sky, gentle wind or even a storm cloud on the horizon. You open your heart knowing that there’s a chance it may be broken one day and in opening your heart, you experience a love and joy that you never dreamed possible. You find that being vulnerable is the only way to allow your heart to feel true pleasure that’s so real it scares you. You find strength in knowing you have a true friend and possibly a soul mate who will remain loyal to the end. Life seems completely different, exciting and worthwhile. Your only hope and security is in knowing that they are a part of your life.”
 I find that I no longer think about things, I think that I have given up - well - I think I have given up in my head - In my heart - well that's a different story - but that story needs to be locked away (for now).
It's the memories of the things we done together that are the most strongest - and I have found that I avoid doing anything that we enjoyed doing together, because I just want to be doing them with her. Whether it's reading through a house magazine and looking at the small little projects, or seeing a photo online and getting it printed and framed, or even going to McDonalds, or one of the local coffee houses.
They say that absence makes the heart grow fonder - This is so true, the more we don't talk, the more I miss her and wonder what she is up to - she has said I can text or email, but saw a couple of things the other day that made me stop and think - they said:
"I want to text you, but I don't want to annoy you"
"If they wanted to speak to you then they would"
It seems like the friendship that we have said we will have is on her terms, when she wants to talk or have a meet over a tea and coffee then she will get in touch, I feel that I get in touch I am just annoying her and that I will push her further away.
I was watching a movie the other day - Pretty Woman - if you must know - and I just wanted to do that final scene - you know the one where he rides in on a white horse to declare his love - Ok, so in the film he arrives in a Limo standing out of the sunroof, before climbing the fire escape to her. I just want to go round, knock on her door and say "I will love you forever, my heart will always be yours, my soul will forever be connected to yours always".
I guess I am feeling a little lost today - you see I had a job interview yesterday - and all I wanted was a text message to say good luck and to tell her how it went.
What does make me wonder though is how true to life "The soaps" are - you know Eastenders, Coronations Street, Emmerdale - you see they all live in these small little communities - people they were once dating they meet with, talk to and stay friends with. But, in real life (well, in most cases) we blank them, forget them and move on.
And, thats my trouble - I can't move on.
The biggest question or dilemma i have every day, is - Are they waiting for me to text, do they want to get in touch or text but to scared too - they want to make the effort to talk, but are just to scared of doing it - and if they are scared - then what are they scared of?
It's been a few days since we last spoke, well since we sent a few text messages. I guess I am to scared to text her now, I don't know if she wants me to or not - I could do with a sign. I do keep checking my phone - just incase one has sneaked on in. You see the trouble is I worry about her, I know I shouldn't but I do, I guess when you love somebody that's what you do, you want to protect them from everything.
Earlier in the week I wrote about "Bonfire Heart" - the James Blunt song that I keep hearing. Today before I left for work I heard part of Gary Barlow's new song - just a few lines they were saying "let me go". The song had me hooked - I couldn't wait to get home and hear the whole song, but those few words I heard sat in my head all day - I could hear her saying them to me, "let me go" "forget about me", I kind of felt a little blue all day. Once I got home and a number of plays later - I found myself drawn into the lyrics - listening to them over and over again, watching the video as the words appeared and the more I read them, the more I realised - this was somebody saying - go and find your true love, go and find the person you want because I don't give you what you need. I found myself thinking how I need to tell somebody that exact message (not her) - but its like a pillow - once its been ripped open - you can't just collect all the feathers up and stuff them back in.
I guess what has me thinking is find out what they truly want, what's locked away in their heart - not what they think they want or what they are happy to go along with - when you think you use your head not your heart. In our heads we make the logical choice, but love is not logical - love has it's own rules. What were their dreams and desires as they grew up, all girls want to be a princess, to be hugged, to be held and be loved, romanced and protected - because these things are locked away in their hearts from a young age - just get the key to her heart - find it conversation, long walks and cuddles.
Today I have been looking across the love quotes and advice to be found on good old twitter. Who knew so many people could reach so many others and still not even know them, yet I find the advice they give to be uplifting and inspiring. A single tweet can make a million people smile. One that drew me in today was sent by @lovequotes
"If you love two people then choose the 2nd one, because if you loved the first you would have not have fallen for the 2nd"
It got me thinking about how true that is, but how life makes it so complicated to follow.
They have many more posted, but what tickles me is the contradiction between some of them.
Some of the quotes deal with the joy of love and some deal with the reality of life, the heartbreak so to speak.
I suppose we all get dealt a hand from the deck of love and we take those cards as ours forever, after all who would want to argue with Cupid, each card representing a different chapter of our future love, well, I guess we can learn to play with them, but what if we can change the game, what if we can change a single card, what if we can change the future and win everything we ever wanted, what if Cupid misdealt your hand? What if Cupid threw you a new card and said "Here, sorry I got it a little wrong, these are you cards"
There are a couple of things that I have learned - keep the cards and stay content or change them and appreciate the new hand, because that hand may just be the game changer.
Because at the end of the day - it's not just about being in love, it's about being appreciated, for what you do, what you give and for who you are.
I had to nip to the cash point tonight at 10pm - Why? I guess it's because it's one of my jobs.
On the way there I found myself pondering, about why I can't just move on? - why can't I get her out of my head? Why can I not just move on?
Then it struck me - as I was half way through my cigarette, I am addicted to her - How? How did I become addicted to somebody.
I mean I smoke and you become addicted to the nicotine - ok I accept that, I drink black coffee and you become addicted to caffeine - Yep, I accept that too, but how on earth do you become addicted to a person?
Don't get me wrong, I don't mean addicted in the kind of stalker sense, I mean addicted in her as a person, addicted to her personality, her warmth, her kindness, addicted in the way that you need a daily fix. I guess that's why I miss the emails or a text. I have become addicted to her quirky little sense of humour, the way she dresses, the way she makes me laugh, the way that when I caught her eye she would give me one of those wonky smiles or a raised eyebrow if it was not going to well on her side of the room.
I guess that's why I want to remain friends and still be able to meet up, chat and send an occasional email or text, not because I am trying to make her fall back in love with me - if that happens it needs to be a free mind and an open heart - it has to be of her own free will - "The Princess Bride" taught me that. It might be that one day she thinks about a special moment and I want to be there when she does, I want to be her last ever first kiss.
To me she is a song, a light - and that light guides me home, ignites my bones and she can fix me up (thanks Coldplay) - with her I get to be me, the real me.
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