I stumbled across a quote to day from one of the most iconic singers in the world and the singer of my "go to song" - 3 Little Birds. As i read it - it all became clear - the words were almost as if i had written them myself. I don't believe in copy and paste but for this entry - i changed the rules. it explains exactly how i see them, it explains exactly how i felt and it explains exactly why i miss them so much, as a friend - in other words "when i hear from them, talk to them, text or email them - i am Superman, When i don't, well, i am just Clark Kent"
“Only once in your life, I truly believe, you find someone who can completely turn your world around. You tell them things that you’ve never shared with another soul and they absorb everything you say and actually want to hear more. You share hopes for the future, dreams that will never come true, goals that were never achieved and the many disappointments life has thrown at you. When something wonderful happens, you can’t wait to tell them about it, knowing they will share in your excitement. They are not embarrassed to cry with you when you are hurting or laugh with you when you make a fool of yourself. Never do they hurt your feelings or make you feel like you are not good enough, but rather they build you up and show you the things about yourself that make you special and even beautiful. There is never any pressure, jealousy or competition but only a quiet calmness when they are around. You can be yourself and not worry about what they will think of you because they love you for who you are. The things that seem insignificant to most people such as a note, song or walk become invaluable treasures kept safe in your heart to cherish forever. Memories of your childhood come back and are so clear and vivid it’s like being young again. Colours seem brighter and more brilliant. Laughter seems part of daily life where before it was infrequent or didn’t exist at all. A phone call or two during the day helps to get you through a long day’s work and always brings a smile to your face. In their presence, there’s no need for continuous conversation, but you find you’re quite content in just having them nearby. Things that never interested you before become fascinating because you know they are important to this person who is so special to you. You think of this person on every occasion and in everything you do. Simple things bring them to mind like a pale blue sky, gentle wind or even a storm cloud on the horizon. You open your heart knowing that there’s a chance it may be broken one day and in opening your heart, you experience a love and joy that you never dreamed possible. You find that being vulnerable is the only way to allow your heart to feel true pleasure that’s so real it scares you. You find strength in knowing you have a true friend and possibly a soul mate who will remain loyal to the end. Life seems completely different, exciting and worthwhile. Your only hope and security is in knowing that they are a part of your life.”
It's been a few days since we last spoke, well since we sent a few text messages. I guess I am to scared to text her now, I don't know if she wants me to or not - I could do with a sign. I do keep checking my phone - just incase one has sneaked on in. You see the trouble is I worry about her, I know I shouldn't but I do, I guess when you love somebody that's what you do, you want to protect them from everything.
Earlier in the week I wrote about "Bonfire Heart" - the James Blunt song that I keep hearing. Today before I left for work I heard part of Gary Barlow's new song - just a few lines they were saying "let me go". The song had me hooked - I couldn't wait to get home and hear the whole song, but those few words I heard sat in my head all day - I could hear her saying them to me, "let me go" "forget about me", I kind of felt a little blue all day. Once I got home and a number of plays later - I found myself drawn into the lyrics - listening to them over and over again, watching the video as the words appeared and the more I read them, the more I realised - this was somebody saying - go and find your true love, go and find the person you want because I don't give you what you need. I found myself thinking how I need to tell somebody that exact message (not her) - but its like a pillow - once its been ripped open - you can't just collect all the feathers up and stuff them back in.
I guess what has me thinking is find out what they truly want, what's locked away in their heart - not what they think they want or what they are happy to go along with - when you think you use your head not your heart. In our heads we make the logical choice, but love is not logical - love has it's own rules. What were their dreams and desires as they grew up, all girls want to be a princess, to be hugged, to be held and be loved, romanced and protected - because these things are locked away in their hearts from a young age - just get the key to her heart - find it conversation, long walks and cuddles.
 Saw this and thought how true
We met today and to be honest I thought it might be a little forced and un-natural. I promised myself not to try to hard, not to be all needy, but first I need to take you back.
You see after the bump earlier in the week, I got to thinking about myself, I looked at myself for the first time in a long time, I read through what I had written so far - and somewhere in the ramblings of this web site and our bump I realised that I had stopped making any effort. I had been just throwing clothes on for getting dressed sake, when we had met up I was just making conversation and being a little dull - somewhere I had lost the witty charm, the humour and the handsomeness. I think I had started to take her granted.
So I slapped my face (metaphorically of course) and started to take an interest in myself, thinking about what I was going to wear, and how I was going to act - a step back in time to the old me. I say old me - I mean the real me - the guy that first caught her eye.
Today for me was just perfect, we walked for a while, then sat and had coffee and talked. I don't think we had chatted like that for a long time. Somewhere in the conversation I stopped - I took her hand and said "Hi, I'm Tony and I like you" she said the same back (obviously using her name). It was a year on from a special day for me - a year to the day - and it felt like we were meeting for the first time, but I think that's what you have to do sometimes, go back to basics - just go back to normal, don't look at the past and try to re-enact what you had before - look ahead to a new future, a new path and let that path lead you.
We kind of agreed that today would be a new start, a line in the sand from what we had. I asked if never meant never ever or could lightning strike - she kind of looked at me and said "you can never say never". I did say that I would never stop trying (and i won't) but not forced, not trying to recreate the past but by just being me, doing the things that she found cute about me before and secretly - I don't think she wants me to stop.
Before we said bye for the day - I gave her some flowers, some Lilies - she told me they represented death - having just looked across the google floristry pages - Lilies are used in death to represent rebirth and triumph over death - I bought her Lilies because she had told me they were her favourites, however they may have just summed up today - the rebirth of a new relationship or restored innocence. I bought her 2 bunches - I told her one was for her mum, it will be interesting to see if she kept both.
So here is looking forward - forward to rebirth and restored innocence.
Speak soon x
I bumped in to her yesterday, I didn't mean too, it just happened, I needed to get some paper and stopped to grab a coffee, a quick chill out before going home.
I saw her walking across the square I didn't know whether to look away, wave or just yell out her name - in the end our eyes met and she came over. I kind of liked that, she didn't just walk on by as Sybil would say.
She sat with me and had a cup of tea, I found myself pouring out everything I had written, how I felt that she had pushed me out of a plane. It felt strange, I wasn't trying to make her feel guilty, I hope I was not horrible about it - her eyes melt me, no matter how hard I try to resist.
You see thats what got me pondering, I should have hated her, I should have not wanted to see her, but I can't hate her and I do want to see her - and thats what keeps puzzling me. I offered her my advice, we laughed and we even agreed to meet at the weekend.
You see the trouble is - she once fell over and I guess I just want to be there to catch her if she should fall again.
My advice is to tell them to watch where they put their feet, but if they do fall - they have to trust you, trust you with their life because you will be there to pick them up and kiss them better in a heartbeat.
Thats what friends do, you don't hold grudges, you don't hold hate, you look at them for what they are - a special somebody you will always be in love with.
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