I found myself thinking about how when we love somebody we encourage them to follow their dreams, We don't just agree with their decisions about change, direction or the decorating, we help them to grow the idea, we have a say, we share their dream and vision. We encourage them to realise their potential, we are involved with the dream and we want to share the vision and the future.

I guess that's me all over - I encourage people to be the best they can be, to achieve their dreams, to go for it when everybody else doubts them. If somebody says they want to do something I give them support, help and encouragement. The reason why - I don't want them to have regrets, I want them to feel inspired to achieve their dreams, happiness and desires  I want them to feel supported in their decisions because once you achieve it, you can enjoy it together.

Think about a piano, at first it's a few random keys sounding a bit like a song, but with practice it sounds a lot like a song, but you have to be encouraged to play it, to keep at it, you need somebody to help work out which notes are which, you need help to read the music, If you don't have that encouragement, well then you just have a piano in you life.

That's what I got from her - encouragement, she had faith in me, she encouraged me, she helped me to grow the dream, in fact she shared the dream. I guess I am missing that encouragement at the moment, missing her advice and missing sharing the dream.

Sometimes though you need the encouragement of a few people, you need to tell them it, about what you want to do, how your feeling, ask them for advice, you want them to become involved in it.  It helps to open your mind, it helps you to actually realise where you are going and how you will get there.  I guess you also want their blessing, that no matter how hard it gets, how difficult it is to achieve, they will support you through it all.

The only thing that stops people from supporting others is the changes they would have to make in their lives or in their day to accommodate that support, that encouragement. Would they be able to or do they want to make those changes, they may have to grow up themselves, they may have to take on more responsibility, they may have to change jobs and with that comes the added pressure - after all a leopard cant change its spots - no matter how hard you try.

I guess what I am saying is don't chase a dream, that has no support or encouragement. It has to be a completely shared dream, with no selfishness.

Today I have been looking across the love quotes and advice to be found on good old twitter. Who knew so many people could reach so many others and still not even know them, yet I find the advice they give to be uplifting and inspiring. A single tweet can make a million people smile. One that drew me in today was sent by @lovequotes

"If you love two people then choose the 2nd one, because if you loved the first you would have not have fallen for the 2nd"

It got me thinking about how true that is, but how life makes it so complicated to follow.

They have many more posted, but what tickles me is the contradiction between some of them.

Some of the quotes deal with the joy of love and some deal with the reality of life, the heartbreak so to speak.

I suppose we all get dealt a hand from the deck of love and we take those cards as ours forever, after all who would want to argue with Cupid, each card representing a different chapter of our future love, well, I guess we can learn to play with them, but what if we can change the game, what if we can change a single card, what if we can change the future and win everything we ever wanted, what if Cupid misdealt your hand? What if Cupid threw you a new card and said "Here, sorry I got it a little wrong, these are you cards"

There are a couple of things that I have learned - keep the cards and stay content or change them and appreciate the new hand, because that hand may just be the game changer.

Because at the end of the day - it's not just about being in love, it's about being appreciated, for what you do, what you give and for who you are.

We used to listen to music all the time - mostly on the way to and from work. It's funny how the song lyrics almost described us perfectly - whether it was "You don't know your beautiful" and slightly later "All the little things" by 1 direction or whether it was "These arms of mine" or "When a woman loves" they all seemed to convey the same message.

I used to create playlists and put them on to CD for her, so she would always be reminded of our drives to work. Now she has them on her iPod, shuffling through the songs to her favourites. I have not listened to my music for a while, it just does not seem to make sense, but for the past week I have found myself drawn to one song in particular thats been played on the radio.

A song that we have never listend to together, but a song that I know she would love, it's "Bonfire Heart" by James Blunt. The lyrics seem to sum up our time together - 

Everybody wants a flame, but they don’t want to get burnt
And today is our turn

Days like these lead to
Nights like this leads to
Love like ours
You light the spark in my bonfire heart
People like us, we don’t need that much
Just someone that starts, starts the spark in our bonfire hearts"Days like these, lead to nights like this"

It talks of not needing much, that's how it always was with her, we didn't need much, to me i just needed her company, nothing difficult, everything came naturally.  We could make each other laugh without trying, we knew when one of us needed a cuddle, we knew each other inside out.

I think that's why I am thinking of her today, there were so many days like these and for me, I could have spent (and still would) a life time full of days like these.

I was speaking to somebody that I met through twitter - an author - with two published books.  As he is outside my immediate friends list I asked him to have a look at the web site - to get some feedback - some idea if I was just whittling on or if this cold go somewhere.

The feedback was very positive quotes like "a solid start", "strong stuff with potential" - nobody has made a comment yet - so I will have to stick with that for now, but I would like to say a big thank you to him for his encouragement, who says a Spurs fan and an Arsenal fan can't get on.

So I got pondering during my time on the road today - have I accidentally started to write a book? - could these words, the pages from my little old web site actually be turned into a book? - they say that we all have a book in us - so why cant this be mine.  I would have to get permission first, I couldn't just go for it, she would have to agree (I have realised I have never used her name, and I won't either) - but believe me I could write her name all day long - it is such a pretty name - as beautiful as her.

So I have looked through - and I have a middle - I have a middle of a book.  so I thought I would take this moment to go back to the beginning.

It was a friday when we first met - she had started work at the office and was going to be joining me at a remote office.  It took me all of .001 of a second to notice her - she was stunning, absolutely beautiful, she waltzed across the room - in fact she glided across the room. She threw me a glance and I think I smiled - I say think I just cant remember, I have never been one for flirting, I don't even know how to flirt - the only thing that was going through my mind was act cool, act calm and for god sake breath.

I had to sit with my manager and hand in my weekly report - I don't know what I waffled on about - every second I was not staring at the computer screen I was trying to locate her in the office.

I had to finish early that day - but as she was going to be working with me from Monday I had to arrange with her about getting there, when I would pick her up and where from.

We chatted for about 30 minutes - as I introduced myself I felt every word stumbled off my tongue and bounce around my lips, before ending up as some rambled garbage.  We eventually decided on a time and place and I left.  In those 30 minutes we spoke I had become smitten, I had turned into a teenager.

I don't think I walked to my car, I think I swaggered, I think I floated.  I don't think I ever told her, but that first 30 minutes, I noticed the sparkle in her eye, the smile on her lips and the softness in her voice.

For the first time ever - I wished away my weekend - I looked forward to Monday morning like it was the start of my weekend - and that is how it became - the weekend became my week at work, depressing and long and my week was my weekend with her, fun and perfect.

I guess that is what I am missing today - in the sudden thought of writing a book - I thought back to when I first met her - that Friday - that oh so perfect Friday.  Now every day feels like a weekend.

Whats kind of funny though is when I leave for work and drive away from my home town I feel that I am becoming distant from her, a memory - but as I return - just knowing that somewhere within the city she is there - radiant, beautiful and intoxicating - I know I just want to be with her, I am not driving home - I am driving back to her.

I had to nip to the cash point tonight at 10pm - Why? I guess it's because it's one of my jobs.

On the way there I found myself pondering, about why I can't just move on? - why can't I get her out of my head? Why can I not just move on?

Then it struck me - as I was half way through my cigarette, I am addicted to her - How? How did I become addicted to somebody.

I mean I smoke and you become addicted to the nicotine - ok I accept that, I drink black coffee and you become addicted to caffeine - Yep, I accept that too, but how on earth do you become addicted to a person?

Don't get me wrong, I don't mean addicted in the kind of stalker sense, I mean addicted in her as a person, addicted to her personality, her warmth, her kindness, addicted in the way that you need a daily fix.  I guess that's why I miss the emails or a text.  I have become addicted to her quirky little sense of humour, the way she dresses, the way she makes me laugh, the way that when I caught her eye she would give me one of those wonky smiles or a raised eyebrow if it was not going to well on her side of the room.

I guess that's why I want to remain friends and still be able to meet up, chat and send an occasional email or text, not because I am trying to make her fall back in love with me - if that happens it needs to be a free mind and an open heart - it has to be of her own free will - "The Princess Bride" taught me that.  It might be that one day she thinks about a special moment and I want to be there when she does, I want to be her last ever first kiss.

To me she is a song, a light - and that light guides me home, ignites my bones and she can fix me up (thanks Coldplay) - with her I get to be me, the real me.