I stumbled across a quote to day from one of the most iconic singers in the world and the singer of my "go to song" - 3 Little Birds. As i read it - it all became clear - the words were almost as if i had written them myself. I don't believe in copy and paste but for this entry - i changed the rules. it explains exactly how i see them, it explains exactly how i felt and it explains exactly why i miss them so much, as a friend - in other words "when i hear from them, talk to them, text or email them - i am Superman, When i don't, well, i am just Clark Kent"
“Only once in your life, I truly believe, you find someone who can completely turn your world around. You tell them things that you’ve never shared with another soul and they absorb everything you say and actually want to hear more. You share hopes for the future, dreams that will never come true, goals that were never achieved and the many disappointments life has thrown at you. When something wonderful happens, you can’t wait to tell them about it, knowing they will share in your excitement. They are not embarrassed to cry with you when you are hurting or laugh with you when you make a fool of yourself. Never do they hurt your feelings or make you feel like you are not good enough, but rather they build you up and show you the things about yourself that make you special and even beautiful. There is never any pressure, jealousy or competition but only a quiet calmness when they are around. You can be yourself and not worry about what they will think of you because they love you for who you are. The things that seem insignificant to most people such as a note, song or walk become invaluable treasures kept safe in your heart to cherish forever. Memories of your childhood come back and are so clear and vivid it’s like being young again. Colours seem brighter and more brilliant. Laughter seems part of daily life where before it was infrequent or didn’t exist at all. A phone call or two during the day helps to get you through a long day’s work and always brings a smile to your face. In their presence, there’s no need for continuous conversation, but you find you’re quite content in just having them nearby. Things that never interested you before become fascinating because you know they are important to this person who is so special to you. You think of this person on every occasion and in everything you do. Simple things bring them to mind like a pale blue sky, gentle wind or even a storm cloud on the horizon. You open your heart knowing that there’s a chance it may be broken one day and in opening your heart, you experience a love and joy that you never dreamed possible. You find that being vulnerable is the only way to allow your heart to feel true pleasure that’s so real it scares you. You find strength in knowing you have a true friend and possibly a soul mate who will remain loyal to the end. Life seems completely different, exciting and worthwhile. Your only hope and security is in knowing that they are a part of your life.”
Today I have been looking across the love quotes and advice to be found on good old twitter. Who knew so many people could reach so many others and still not even know them, yet I find the advice they give to be uplifting and inspiring. A single tweet can make a million people smile. One that drew me in today was sent by @lovequotes
"If you love two people then choose the 2nd one, because if you loved the first you would have not have fallen for the 2nd"
It got me thinking about how true that is, but how life makes it so complicated to follow.
They have many more posted, but what tickles me is the contradiction between some of them.
Some of the quotes deal with the joy of love and some deal with the reality of life, the heartbreak so to speak.
I suppose we all get dealt a hand from the deck of love and we take those cards as ours forever, after all who would want to argue with Cupid, each card representing a different chapter of our future love, well, I guess we can learn to play with them, but what if we can change the game, what if we can change a single card, what if we can change the future and win everything we ever wanted, what if Cupid misdealt your hand? What if Cupid threw you a new card and said "Here, sorry I got it a little wrong, these are you cards"
There are a couple of things that I have learned - keep the cards and stay content or change them and appreciate the new hand, because that hand may just be the game changer.
Because at the end of the day - it's not just about being in love, it's about being appreciated, for what you do, what you give and for who you are.
We used to listen to music all the time - mostly on the way to and from work. It's funny how the song lyrics almost described us perfectly - whether it was "You don't know your beautiful" and slightly later "All the little things" by 1 direction or whether it was "These arms of mine" or "When a woman loves" they all seemed to convey the same message.
I used to create playlists and put them on to CD for her, so she would always be reminded of our drives to work. Now she has them on her iPod, shuffling through the songs to her favourites. I have not listened to my music for a while, it just does not seem to make sense, but for the past week I have found myself drawn to one song in particular thats been played on the radio.
A song that we have never listend to together, but a song that I know she would love, it's "Bonfire Heart" by James Blunt. The lyrics seem to sum up our time together -
Everybody wants a flame, but they don’t want to get burnt
And today is our turn
Days like these lead to
Nights like this leads to
Love like ours
You light the spark in my bonfire heart
People like us, we don’t need that much
Just someone that starts, starts the spark in our bonfire hearts"Days like these, lead to nights like this"
It talks of not needing much, that's how it always was with her, we didn't need much, to me i just needed her company, nothing difficult, everything came naturally. We could make each other laugh without trying, we knew when one of us needed a cuddle, we knew each other inside out.
I think that's why I am thinking of her today, there were so many days like these and for me, I could have spent (and still would) a life time full of days like these.
I had to nip to the cash point tonight at 10pm - Why? I guess it's because it's one of my jobs.
On the way there I found myself pondering, about why I can't just move on? - why can't I get her out of my head? Why can I not just move on?
Then it struck me - as I was half way through my cigarette, I am addicted to her - How? How did I become addicted to somebody.
I mean I smoke and you become addicted to the nicotine - ok I accept that, I drink black coffee and you become addicted to caffeine - Yep, I accept that too, but how on earth do you become addicted to a person?
Don't get me wrong, I don't mean addicted in the kind of stalker sense, I mean addicted in her as a person, addicted to her personality, her warmth, her kindness, addicted in the way that you need a daily fix. I guess that's why I miss the emails or a text. I have become addicted to her quirky little sense of humour, the way she dresses, the way she makes me laugh, the way that when I caught her eye she would give me one of those wonky smiles or a raised eyebrow if it was not going to well on her side of the room.
I guess that's why I want to remain friends and still be able to meet up, chat and send an occasional email or text, not because I am trying to make her fall back in love with me - if that happens it needs to be a free mind and an open heart - it has to be of her own free will - "The Princess Bride" taught me that. It might be that one day she thinks about a special moment and I want to be there when she does, I want to be her last ever first kiss.
To me she is a song, a light - and that light guides me home, ignites my bones and she can fix me up (thanks Coldplay) - with her I get to be me, the real me.
It's been a strange day today, it has almost been a little bit of a come down - like when the caffeine from a double espresso wears off and your body can breath a huge sigh of relief and finally relax - yet I can't just seem to take that sigh of relief or relax. I can only imagine this is how giving up smoking would be, that sudden urge or desire to have one last smoke. thats how this feels the urge to text or email is so strong.
Why?
Because everything reminds me of her, the things we done together, the things we laughed at, the songs we sung, the movies we watched, the dreams we dreamed.
It's funny how a single song can remind me of her, a single movie quote, a TV programme or a project in a house magazine. I don't know if they are there to remind me of the good times or remind me not to give up - not to quit, not to forget her. Don't get me wrong - I can take friends all day long, it's the urge to text or email without being, well, pestering. So for now i will take option 2 - they are there to remind me not to forget her.
The irony of today was - I went somewhere we visited a lot, somewhere we used to meet for coffee - and what was there to greet me - A Dominoes pizza counter, we had only been waiting a year!
I saw a trailer for a movie today - a movie I know she would absolutely love to go and watch - a movie that's just her cup of tea (Yorkshire tea if you must know) and the thing is it's a movie that's just my cup of coffee, (I think that is the only thing we never had in common). So I am going to end today's ponderation with a song from that movie, and I hope that if she reads today's blog, that she will agree to come and watch it with me. why? just so I can hear her laugh and see her smile and she can listen to me get the lyrics wrong - because that is what makes me smile - it is seeing her laugh and smile, her perfect wonky smile.
I have changed one phrase - I hope she and The Proclaimers don't mind - but she did like the way I got the lyrics wrong - or stopped because I forgot them completely.
"I'm Gonna Be (500 Miles)"
When I wake up, well, I know I want to be
I want to be the man who wakes up next to you
When I go out, yeah, I know I want to be
I want to be the man who goes along with you
If I get drunk, well, I know I want to be
I want to be the man who gets drunk next to you
And if I haver, hey, I know I want to be
I want to be the man who's havering to you
But I would walk five hundred miles
And I would walk five hundred more
Just to be the man who walked a thousand miles
To fall down at your door
When I'm working, yes, I know I want to be
I want to be the man who's working hard for you
And when the money comes in for the work I do
I'll pass almost every penny on to you
When I come home (When I come home), oh, I know I want to be
I want to be the man who comes back home to you
And if I grow old, well, I know I want to be
I want to be the man who's growing old with you
But I would walk five hundred miles
And I would walk five hundred more
Just to be the man who walked a thousand miles
To fall down at your door
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