I stumbled across a quote to day from one of the most iconic singers in the world and the singer of my "go to song" - 3 Little Birds.  As i read it - it all became clear - the words were almost as if i had written them myself.  I don't believe in copy and paste but for this entry - i changed the rules.  it explains exactly how i see them, it explains exactly how i felt and it explains exactly why i miss them so much, as a friend - in other words "when i hear from them, talk to them, text or email them - i am Superman, When i don't, well, i am just Clark Kent"

I find that I no longer think about things, I think that I have given up - well - I think I have given up in my head - In my heart - well that's a different story - but that story needs to be locked away (for now).

It's the memories of the things we done together that are the most strongest - and I have found that I avoid doing anything that we enjoyed doing together, because I just want to be doing them with her.  Whether it's reading through a house magazine and looking at the small little projects, or seeing a photo online and getting it printed and framed, or even going to McDonalds, or one of the local coffee houses.

They say that absence makes the heart grow fonder - This is so true, the more we don't talk, the more I miss her and wonder what she is up to - she has said I can text or email, but saw a couple of things the other day that made me stop and think - they said:

"I want to text you, but I don't want to annoy you"

"If they wanted to speak to you then they would"

It seems like the friendship that we have said we will have is on her terms, when she wants to talk or have a meet over a tea and coffee then she will get in touch, I feel that I get in touch I am just annoying her and that I will push her further away.

I was watching a movie the other day - Pretty Woman - if you must know - and I just wanted to do that final scene - you know the one where he rides in on a white horse to declare his love - Ok, so in the film he arrives in a Limo standing out of the sunroof, before climbing the fire escape to her.  I just want to go round, knock on her door and say "I will love you forever, my heart will always be yours, my soul will forever be connected to yours always".

I guess I am feeling a little lost today - you see I had a job interview yesterday - and all I wanted was a text message to say good luck and to tell her how it went.

What does make me wonder though is how true to life "The soaps" are - you know Eastenders, Coronations Street, Emmerdale - you see they all live in these small little communities - people they were once dating they meet with, talk to and stay friends with.  But, in real life (well, in most cases) we blank them, forget them and move on.

And, thats my trouble - I can't move on.

The biggest question or dilemma i have every day, is - Are they waiting for me to text, do they want to get in touch or text but to scared too - they want to make the effort to talk, but are just to scared of doing it - and if they are scared - then what are they scared of?

It's been a few days since we last spoke, well since we sent a few text messages.  I guess I am to scared to text her now, I don't know if she wants me to or not - I could do with a sign.  I do keep checking my phone - just incase one has sneaked on in.  You see the trouble is I worry about her, I know I shouldn't but I do, I guess when you love somebody that's what you do, you want to protect them from everything. 

Earlier in the week I wrote about "Bonfire Heart" - the James Blunt song that I keep hearing.  Today before I left for work I heard part of Gary Barlow's new song - just a few lines they were saying "let me go".  The song had me hooked - I couldn't wait to get home and hear the whole song, but those few words I heard sat in my head all day - I could hear her saying them to me, "let me go" "forget about me", I kind of felt a little blue all day.  Once I got home and a number of plays later - I found myself drawn into the lyrics - listening to them over and over again, watching the video as the words appeared and the more I read them, the more I realised - this was somebody saying - go and find your true love, go and find the person you want because I don't give you what you need.  I found myself thinking how I need to tell somebody that exact message (not her) - but its like a pillow - once its been ripped open - you can't just collect all the feathers up and stuff them back in.

I guess what has me thinking is find out what they truly want, what's locked away in their heart - not what they think they want or what they are happy to go along with - when you think you use your head not your heart.  In our heads we make the logical choice, but love is not logical - love has it's own rules.  What were their dreams and desires as they grew up, all girls want to be a princess, to be hugged, to be held and be loved, romanced and protected - because these things are locked away in their hearts from a young age  - just get the key to her heart - find it conversation, long walks and cuddles.